They beer hatin'

What do Dennis Leary, Danny DeVito, and the recently-cancelled TBS show "My Boys" have in common?

They love beer...and yet they hate beer.

All three have gone out of their way to define what "real beer" actually is, and all three seemed to have the same answer:

"real beer is...well...uh...it's NOT what those microbreweries are making! That stuff ain't beer at all!"

Don't try to think about that too hard. Finding out what triggers that kind of knee-jerk reaction would take years, millions of dollars, and the combined efforts of experts in sociology, psychology, history, marketing, political science, and quite possibly religion. The best I can surmise is that "beer" is the stuff you're supposed to drink in college, at barbecues, at the ballpark, and at just about every situation you can picture in a popular beer commercial. If a chorus of frogs tells you to do it, then the beer must be good.

In order for beer to be considered "beer", one requires some kind of fermented grain and some hops for flavor. Microbrews pass this literal definition test with flying colors, so these celebrities seem to be speaking about something else. In the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld, "What's the deal with microbrews?" Aside from the clearly idiotic notion that some people might actually enjoy the taste of a beverage that has a different flavor than most (otherwise Blue Point Blueberry Ale or Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout would not exist), what we see is marketing genius at its very best.

Anheuser-Busch and Miller-Coors dominate the domestic beer market, with A-B alone controlling 53.4% of the market share in 2009. Those companies are great at what they do, and they are a testament to marketing success, so angry beer snobs should direct their ire elsewhere. "Hate the player, not the game," as they say.

The only way for a brewery to survive in a market saturated with light lagers is to find a niche and exploit it. Dogfish Head does it with its India Pale Ales. Ommegang does it with its Belgian-style brews. Sam Adams does it by putting their own twist on popular international styles. When given the choice between a 6-dollar six pack of Bud Light or a 9-dollar six pack of microbrew light made with natural ingredients, consumers are going to side with their wallets.

So why all the hate for microbrews? Call it a combination of ignorance and more ignorance. No brewery would call its beer "better" than any other's, and everyone's taste differs. But humans are creatures of habit, and they'll continue to side with the beer that's most familiar to them. Maybe they think microbrews are trying to tear down the beers they know and love? Maybe it's some strange form of Stockholm Beer Syndrome?

Whatever the case, try a local beer this weekend. Support your local small business, and who knows? Maybe that stupid microbrew stuff doesn't taste as bad as Dennis Leary described it.

Total BS and ML Bull

Cliff Lee beat the tar out of the Yankees. He flat-out dominated them. He is the king of baseball. Etc. etc.....

What I'd like to know is why this game took 4 hours to get through the first 8 innings. In what was basically a pitchers' duel, how did this game last any longer than 2 and 1/2 hours?

If you said "commercials" you win a gold star.

And apparently TBS needs to advertise their newest comedy about a freshman in college, truly an original premise that has spawned dozens of successful syndicated television programs in our time. Ladies and gentlemen, we need more of THAT, and less of original comedies following the life of a beat writer for the Chicago Cubs. More slapstick, less polished well-timed comedy, please! Please absolve us of all responsibility when it comes to humor and tell us when to laugh! More Rom-Com Ben Stiller and Jackass, less quality writing and subtlety!

Ugh. Focus, focus.

I understand that TBS needs to make money and that Ted Turner needs another solid gold yacht. It's a legitimate business practice, and it seems to work. But MLB needs to step in and control the pace of these games, lest they continue to lose fans to rival sports. In a marquee matchup guaranteed to bring in viewers, allowing TBS to squeeze in an extra 2 commercials per break is nothing short of MLB dropping the ball.

Mr. Selig, this was your chance to satisfy potential baseball fans everywhere: an appreciation for an amazing pitching performance, PLUS the utter domination of the most hated franchise in sports. Instead, what they got was boredom by 9:00pm and a strange urge to look for an orange blimp piloted by a frighteningly tall redhead. By viewing this as a short-term earnings opportunity instead of a chance to truly grow the sport, Bud Selig has done a disservice to fans everywhere. I can almost understand the buildup of Lee as a means to get those on the fence to tune into the game, but its intentions are now made painfully clear.

MLB needs to stop taking its loyal fans for granted, unless they're willing to let themselves become a niche sport. Hockey can do it, but they don't have 50,000 seats to fill in their arenas. All we die-hards have to look forward to is more commercials...

...yet after repeated viewings, for the life of me I STILL can't figure out if those kids in that car commercial really are just racing each other home, or if they're trying to beat the snot out of that little kid. If it's the latter, is it a good idea to mock those bullies when you're going to see them tomorrow? Get acquainted with the bottom of a toilet bowl, kiddo.

An intro

Hello, and welcome to Suds and Splitters, the marriage (for better or worse, of course) of two of America's oldest institutions and traditions: beer and baseball. Come and stay and enjoy my ramblings about these topics. Who knows? You might even learn a thing or two.